I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
