Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
