I just pynch a tree in the face
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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