You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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