Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My ass is underappreciated
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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