thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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