Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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