rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
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She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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