Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
