omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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