my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
