all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
