Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
