You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.