I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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