if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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