John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
