I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
