I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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