I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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