I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
