the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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