R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
