So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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