rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Randomize
