you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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