Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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