I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
