i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
