I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
