Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
