we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
