I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
