I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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