Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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