I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
