As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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