Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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