I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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