there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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