I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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