I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
