i already hear my dad disowning me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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