just come out here and I will go home with you...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
