Tell her she can't have a vagina
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
