I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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