They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
