Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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