Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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