our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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