So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I touched a dick in church today
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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