First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
