Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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