It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
