I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
