remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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