At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Even my vagina gasped.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
